悔改与行道：靠主的爱接纳跟我一样的罪人 Repentance and Living Out the Word: Accepting Sinners Like Myself Through the Lord's Love

弟兄姊妹们平安！我是来自基督城OTBC教会下午堂的Kayla，上次作见证时，因着感恩神在我一次次自杀时候，派警察来到我家救我，

Brothers and sisters, peace be with you! I am Kayla from the afternoon service at OTBC Church in Christchurch. In my last testimony, I expressed gratitude to God for sending the police to rescue me during my repeated attempts at suicide.

靠着这份单纯的仰望和感激，祂的灵就赐我力量去服事OTBC教会的免费英文班。从2月到8月，英文班从无到有，学生源源不断，骄傲情绪也在我心里不知不觉地滋长起来。

Through this simple trust and gratitude, His Spirit gave me the strength to serve in OTBC’s free English class. From February to August, the English class grew from nothing, with a steady stream of students joining. However, pride unknowingly began to grow in my heart.

虽然每天坚持祷告，但还是忘记了自己的罪人本相，觉得自己付出了时间精力，并为别人代求代祷，当英文老师批评我的时候，心里委屈，不服，流泪，属灵争战失败。

Although I prayed daily, I forgot my true nature as a sinner. I thought that because I had invested my time and energy and prayed and interceded for others, I was doing well.  When the English teacher criticized me, I felt hurt, wronged, unbearable,  resistant, and even cried. I failed in my spiritual battle.

虽然后来Jane牧师一次次地帮助我，日夜代求代祷，甚至有时候带我祷告到凌晨1,2点，第二天她低血压，呼吸都困难，

Although Pastor Jane helped me time and again, praying for me day and night, sometimes even praying with me until 1 or 2 a.m., which left her with low blood pressure and breathing difficulties the next day,

可是我的属灵状态起起伏伏，自己也很着急、焦虑、羞愧，不能继续在教会服事了，信心掉进了谷底。

my faith continued to fluctuate.  I became anxious, worried, and ashamed, and could not continue serving in the church. My faith fell to its lowest point.

在8月19日，Jane牧师发信息说让我靠主得胜去爱罪人、家人，看见神迹，回来作见证。有这心，神就会成就。

On August 19, Pastor Jane sent me a message encouraging me to return from China and share a testimony about how, through relying on the Lord, I had overcome and learned to love sinners and my family, and how I had witnessed God’s miracles. She said that if I had this desire in my heart, God would bring it to pass.

我没有回复这个信息，没有信心和勇气去祷告给神。直到8月30号晚上，我跟主祷告：我想为主做见证，求主赐我力量，带我祷告胜过拒绝伤害去爱家人。

However, I didn’t respond to her message because I lacked the faith and courage to pray to God. On the night of August 30, I prayed, expressing my desire to testify for the Lord. I asked Him to give me strength and guide me in praying to overcome rejection and hurt, and to love my family.

可是第二天到了奥克兰机场，我妈妈打电话来说，“你们回家时候，记得让Alan带上口罩和帽子，别让人认出来他是外国人，跟看猴子似的。”

But the next day, when I arrived at Auckland Airport, my mum called me and said, “When you come home, make sure Alan wears a mask and a hat, so people won’t recognize him as a foreigner and stare at him like he’s a monkey.”

听了这话，我心里很失望，摆在我们面前的不是从家人来的祝福，而是一场灾难。

Hearing this, I felt deeply disappointed. What lay before us was not a blessing from my family, but a disaster.

当我们看到一件事不好, 不如意的时候，能转向神，看到自己的不能，是神的工作的开始。

When we encounter something unpleasant or unsatisfactory, turning to God and recognizing our own limitations marks the beginning of His work.

飞机降落在上海，我姐发过来十几条短信指责我们：回家时间才一个星期，还不跟父母一起住，多么不孝顺！

When our plane landed in Shanghai, my sister sent me more than ten text messages accusing us of being unfilial because we were only staying home for a week and weren’t staying with my parents.

我气得跟Jane牧师抱怨，Jane牧师却说 “否定自我的想法，学会理解他人并接纳他人，就像耶稣接纳你一样。人们常常用自己的视角去理解他人，包括你自己也会这样做。”

Furious, I complained to Pastor Jane, but Jane said, “Deny your own thoughts, learn to understand others, and accept them just as Jesus accepted you. People often use their own perspective to understand others, and you do the same.”

 

我放下了在上海出去玩的计划，在酒店祷告饶恕我姐，然后再给她发信息。

I decided to lay down my desire to explore Shanghai and stayed at the hotel to pray, asking God to help me forgive my sister.

感谢主，神拨动了她的心，不再埋怨我们的安排。没有让我们改住的地方和延长在家停留的时间。

Afterward, I sent her a message. Thank the Lord, He moved her heart, and she no longer complained about our arrangements. We didn’t need to change our accommodations or extend our stay at home. 

 

其实在最后我们离开家乡时，姐姐送我们去机场时候她告诉我，她那几天每天跟妈妈因为我们的到来吵架，因为妈妈在家骂Alan是外国人，不接受他，姐姐为我们辩护，跟妈妈生气。

When we were finally leaving our hometown, my sister drove us to the airport. She told me that during those days, she had argued with our mother every day because of our visit. My mother had insulted Alan, refusing to accept him as a foreigner. My sister defended us and got angry with my mother. 

 

我在心里感激神，当我信心不足时候，实在不知道在环境里怎么样去理解别人，但是神都知道，神知道她的心里压力有多大才发那么多信息，语气不好，

In my heart, I was grateful to God. During those moments when my faith was weak, I truly didn’t know how to understand others. But God knew everything. He knew the immense pressure my sister was under, which led her to send so many harshly worded messages.

在机场的时候，圣灵能帮我站在她的角度理解她心里的苦衷。

The Holy Spirit helped me see things from her perspective and understand the struggles and pain in her heart at the airport. 

 

 

我们在上海，苏州，北京的十几天里，除了每天陪Alan看景色，了解中国文化外，我开始一点点地操练如何跟神建立亲密关系。在回国之前，这个关系因着我信心的跌落，破裂了。

During the ten or so days we spent in Shanghai, Suzhou, and Beijing, besides accompanying Alan to see the sights and learn about Chinese culture, I began practicing how to build an intimate relationship with God, little by little. Before returning to China, this relationship had been broken because of my faltering faith. 

 

每天凌晨6点圣灵会叫醒我，打开圣经APP，读经默祷，把一句经文放进心里反复默想，不看环境不看人，求神引导我知道在每件事里，祂的旨意是什么。

Every morning at 6 a.m., the Holy Spirit would wake me up. I would open my Bible app, read scriptures, and meditate in prayer, taking one verse to heart and reflecting on it repeatedly. I stopped focusing on circumstances or people and instead prayed for God to guide me in understanding His will in every situation. 

 

不管是快递员发脾气还是出租车司机骂我是笨女人，我都赞美神！这个时刻是祂要我回到心里去饶恕他人，去理解并接纳他人。

Whether it was a delivery driver losing his temper or a taxi driver calling me a stupid woman, I praised God! I recognized that these moments were His way of leading me back to my heart—to forgive others, to understand, and to accept them. 

 

但这远远不够，信心不经过试炼，不是真的信心。“彼得前书 1:7 叫你们的信心既被试验，就比那被火试验仍然能坏的金子更显宝贵…”

But that was far from enough. Faith that is not tested is not true faith. As 1 Peter 1:7 says, “These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold...“

回到家乡的头两天，我努力地靠自己的好行为去做一个好女儿。即使父母对于我们带回家的一行李箱的礼物不闻不问，我爸爸对我们态度冷漠，在家不说话。

In the first two days back in my hometown, I tried my best to rely on my good behaviour to be a good daughter. Even though my parents showed no interest in the gifts we brought back in one whole suitcase, my father was cold and silent at home,

妈妈会在出门时候把Alan推进门里，怕人看见他外国人的脸。妈妈抱怨爸爸和每一个亲戚，笑话一个亲戚刚刚上吊死了。

and my mother would push Alan inside the house whenever we went out, afraid that others would see his foreign face. My mother complained about my father and every relative and even laughed at a relative who had recently committed suicide by hanging herself. 

 

我们都在心里祷告饶恕他们，我好确保自己脸上能挂着微笑，还能帮妈妈做饭陪她聊天。我心想，这下没什么战争发生，我胜过了吧？就这个样子过完7天，应该也不难。

We prayed in our hearts to forgive them, trying to ensure that I could keep smiles on my face, help my mother with cooking, and chat with her. I thought to myself, 'Well, no conflicts have arisen so far, so maybe I’ve overcome this challenge! It didn’t seem too hard to get through seven days like this. 

结果圣灵马上在心里提醒 “试炼马上来到！”

But then the Holy Spirit immediately reminded me in my heart, “The trial is about to come!”

第3天爬长城，从早晨6点，在旅游包车里，姐姐和妈妈就开始了跟大外甥女吵架，辱骂甚至彼此咒骂对方去死。

On the third day, we went to climb the Great Wall. From 6 a.m., while in the tour van, my sister and mum started arguing with my eldest niece, escalating into insults and even cursing each other, wishing death upon one another.

我又求救Jane牧师，心里知道这是属灵争战，但是没有信心的我实在是胜不过。

I sought help from Pastor Jane again, knowing in my heart that this was a spiritual battle, but I didn’t have the faith to overcome it.

Jane牧师每次几乎秒回，让我祷告求神帮助我的家人。祷告，饶恕，接纳，没想到更大的争战在后面。

Jane responded almost instantly every time, urging me to pray and ask God to help my family. I prayed, forgave, and tried to accept them, but little did I know, even greater battles lay ahead.

当我和妈妈去坐下长城的缆车时，她走着走着推了一位老大爷，我看见她推了人。老大爷的女儿抱怨我妈妈为什么要推人呢，她爸爸都这么老了。

When my mother and I went to take the cable car down from the Great Wall, she accidentally pushed an elderly man as we were walking. I saw her push him. The man’s daughter complained, asking why my mother would push her dad, especially he so old.

没想到，我妈妈破口大骂，用各种污秽的言语咒骂那位年轻的女士。

Unexpectedly, my mother began shouting curses and hurling filthy language at the young woman.

我赶紧向那位女士道歉，解释了妈妈腿刚做了手术，下台阶没注意就推了人。

Embarrassed, I went over to the woman, apologized, and explained that my mother had recently had surgery on her knees and hadn’t noticed the step when she bumped into the man.

老大爷接受道歉，让他女儿闭嘴，并且示意我赶紧离开。可是我妈妈不依不饶，甚至用更脏的词去骂。

The elderly man understood my explanation, accepted the apology, told his daughter to stop talking immediately, and motioned for me to leave quickly. But my mother wouldn’t let it go. She started using even filthier words to insult them. 

 

长城上密密麻麻的人群，都停下来观看，我感到非常非常羞耻，又感到愤怒从我脚底下像烈火熊熊燃烧起来。无奈我只好拉走了妈妈，她依然在骂人。

The large crowd of people on the Great Wall stopped to watch. I felt an overwhelming sense of shame, and anger burned inside me like a raging fire from the bottom of my feet. With no other choice, I pulled my mother away, but she continued shouting insults.

我大声对她嚷道，“为什么我的家人都是点火就着！为什么我们要互相伤害！为什么你会跟我姐夫互相扇耳光！你难道没有一点错吗！” 我妈妈又开始将矛头对向我，开始辱骂。

In frustration, I yelled at her, “Why is my family always so quick to ignite like a fire! Why do we hurt each other like this! Why do you and my brother-in-law slap each other! Can’t you see your own faults?”  My mother then turned her anger toward me, hurling insults at me instead.

 

这时我回头看见那位女士紧跟其后，情急之下我打了我妈两下，重重的拳头锤在她的背后，但是我立刻就后悔了。

As I turned back, I saw that the young woman was still following us. In a moment of panic and frustration, I hit my mother twice—two hard punches on her back—but I instantly regretted it. 

 

我又败了。2天的好行为，以为我可以为基督做好见证，由此感动我妈妈，她可以信主。可是我又败了。

I failed again. After two days of good behaviour, thinking I could be a good witness for Christ and move my mother to believe in Him, I failed again. 

在她上厕所时候，我告诉了Jane牧师刚发生的事情，打字的时候手都在抖。她说 “饶恕你的妈妈，放下自己的面子去爱她。她并不知道自己一直在做什么。”

While my mother went to the restroom, I messaged Pastor Jane and told her what had just happened. My hands were trembling as I typed. Jane replied, “Forgive your mum and lay down your face to love your mum. She doesn’t know what she has been doing.”

我已经从脚到手发抖到不知道如何祷告了。但是感谢主，圣灵让我想起凌晨我在酒店起床时祷告的那句经文：

I was shaking from head to toe and didn’t even know how to pray anymore. But thank the Lord, the Holy Spirit reminded me of the verse I had prayed over that morning at the hotel:

“(马太福音) 27:50 耶稣又大声喊叫，气就断了。” 我祷读的是AMP版本 ：“And Jesus cried out again with a loud [agonized] voice, and gave up His spirit.”

Matthew 27:50  And Jesus cried out again with a loud [agonized] voice, and gave up His spirit.”

那个痛，agonized，深深地刻在我心里，这是怎样的痛？

That pain—agonized—was deeply etched into my heart. What kind of pain was it?

当圣灵带领我回到心里想到那个痛，父啊，此时此刻，我也很痛，我也愿意把我的灵魂交给你的手里，求你掌管我，我不要面子了！

When the Holy Spirit led me to reflect on that pain, I cried out, “Father, at this moment, I too am in great pain. I am willing to entrust my spirit into Your hands. Please take control of me. I no longer care about my face!”

我身上的鬼就出去了，浑身不发抖了，心里涌进来了神的爱和平安。哈利路亚，感谢赞美主！

In that moment, the darkness within me fled, my trembling stopped, and God’s love and peace flowed into my heart. Hallelujah! Thank and praise the Lord!

这时，妈妈从厕所出来，我上前去摸着她的后背， 给她道歉：“妈妈，我刚才做错了，你原谅我的着急，那个女的就跟着你后面，我怕她再来骂你。”

When my mother came out of the restroom, I went up to her, touched her back, and apologized: “Mom, I was wrong earlier. Please forgive my impatience. That woman was following you, and I was afraid she would come back to insult you again.”

我其实心里也不求她能原谅我，她受了伤，可是神真的活着，我妈妈没有再生气了，也不骂人了。她意识到了刚才自己的行为所带来的后果。

In my heart, I wasn’t even hoping for her to forgive me, knowing she had been hurt.  But God is alive. My mother didn’t get angry again, nor did she curse anyone anymore. She began to realize the consequences of her actions.

神在她心里做工了，只要我先在心里真心地悔改，神活着，神看着，祂要的不是我去做什么，而是依靠祂，胜过自己的羞耻感。

God was working in her heart. As long as I truly repented in my heart, God, who is alive and sees everything, worked. What He wants is not for me to “do”anything but to rely on Him and overcome my shame. 

 

晚上付传道带我又祷告，我再一次悔改我打了我妈妈，在众人面前打了我妈妈，我很羞耻，但是主耶稣没有定我的罪，耶稣接纳了我，

That evening, Pastor Fu prayed with me again. I repented once more for hitting my mother, especially for doing so in public. I felt deeply ashamed. But the Lord Jesus didn’t condemn me. Jesus accepted me

不是因为我的行为多好，不是因为我能微笑地跟妈妈聊天了，能帮她做饭刷碗了，而是我是罪人，是会打人，会骂人，会抱怨的罪人，会亲手亲口伤害了我的亲生母亲的罪人。

—not because I had done well, not because I could smile and chat with my mother or help her cook and wash dishes—but because I am a sinner. I am a sinner who hits, curses, complains, and uses my own hands and words to hurt my own mother who gave birth to me. 

 

耶稣爱了罪人，为我上了十字架，为我死，把生的机会留给了这样的我，我还要从我妈妈这样的罪人身上得什么呢？

Jesus loves sinners. He went to the cross for me, died for me, and left the chance for life to someone like me. What else could I expect to gain from a sinner like my mother? 

“约翰福音 5:41-42 我不受从人来的荣耀。但我知道你们心里没有　神的爱。“

John 5:41-42 “I do not accept glory from human beings, but I know you. I know that you do not have the love of God in your hearts.”

经历了这样的跌倒之后，从第4天起，藉着不断地祷告，在路上走路，去商店办事，去照相馆拍全家福都祷告，祷告，

Starting from the 4th day, after experiencing such a fall, I began to rely on continuous prayer. Whether walking on the road, handling matters at the shops, or taking family photos at the studio, I prayed constantly.

圣灵引领的祷告就像发电机在一样心里运转，神才真正地与我同在了。

Prayer inspired by the Holy Spirit became like a generator in my heart, constantly powering me, and only then did I truly experience God’s presence with me. 

晚上姐姐与妈妈在家突然因为一件小事吵架，互相咒诅对方，威胁孩子不让上学，5岁的孩子哇哇大哭，整个家都似乎在地震。

One evening, my sister and mother suddenly got into an argument at home over a small matter. They cursed each other and even threatened to stop the child from going to school. The 5-year-old child cried loudly, and it felt as if the whole house was shaking like an earthquake. 

以前遇见这样的事情我会逃，或者甩下一句“我恨你们”然后离家出走；这次感谢主，依靠神，我关上心门持续祷告，

In the past, when faced with such situations, I would run away or shout, “I hate you all,” and storm out of the house. But this time, thank the Lord; by relying on Him, I closed the door of my heart and continued praying.

耶稣的爱就在心里涌动，去安慰妈妈，又跑出家门去跟姐姐传福音。

Jesus' love began to flow within me, leading me to comfort my mother and then rush outside to share the gospel with my sister.

 

姐姐大受感动，没想到过去一个这么不靠谱，随时大发脾气的妹妹，可以这么用心去安慰她。

My sister was deeply moved. She couldn’t believe that her once unreliable, short-tempered sister, who used to lose her temper at any moment, could now care so deeply and comfort her so earnestly.

她回到自己家没有发泄脾气去打大女儿，虽然她在卫生间洗澡洗了5个多小时还没有出来。感谢赞美主！

She returned to her own home without taking her anger out on her elder daughter, even though she had stayed in the bathroom for a shower for over five hours without coming out.  Thank and praise the Lord!

第5天，我妈妈的生日，可是她从早晨就开始在家抱怨我爸爸，我姐姐和她的两个孩子，咒诅都去死。

On the 5th day, it was my mother’s birthday, but from the morning, she started complaining at home about my father, my sister, and sister’s two children, cursing them all and wishing them dead.

我和Alan只能回到酒店再去为她祷告，我实在不理解她的行为，正要抱怨Alan为什么不能替我在父母面前为我说一句话时，Alan提醒了三遍“去祷告”。

Alan and I could only retreat to the hotel and pray for her. I really couldn’t understand her behavior. Just as I was about to complain to Alan, asking why he couldn’t say something in my defense to my parents, Alan reminded me three times, “Pray!”

 

我一开口，神就说，我跟妈妈一样，软弱到不能为自己的行为后果负任何责任，因为太羞愧了，就指责别人不好，让我们自己的心里舒服点。

As soon as I began to pray, God revealed to me that I was just like my mother—so weak that we couldn’t take responsibility for our own actions or the consequences. Out of shame, we blamed others to make ourselves feel better.

 

她不是不喜欢Alan才不让他出门，觉得Alan丢人现眼，而是她有太多惧怕和相信谎言别人会因为一个外国人而笑话她。

My mother didn’t stop Alan from going out not because she disliked him or thought he embarrassed her as a foreigner. Rather, she was full of fear and had believed lies that others would laugh at her because of Alan as being a foreigner.

我难道不是一样吗？自己走在国内的路上，不敢跟Alan走在一起，觉得国人会议论我，这么矮个子，这么胖，还嫁个高个子的白人，一定是为了什么好处，图人家什么。

But wasn’t me the same? Walking on the streets in my home country, I didn’t dare to walk alongside Alan, feeling ashamed. I imagined people judging me, thinking, “Look at her—so short and overweight, and yet she married a tall white man. She must have done it for some personal gain.” 

 

Jane牧师曾发信息说 “理解是关键.” ” 雅各书 2: 怜悯原是向审判夸胜。“

Pastor Jane had sent me a message, saying, “Understanding is the key.”  “James 2:13: Mercy triumphs over judgment.” 

当我真知道自己也跟妈妈一样，因着羞愧就抱怨，我要向论断是死的，基督的怜悯就流出来，圣灵便引导我怎么理解妈妈。

When I truly understood that I was no different from my mother, likes complaining about others out of shame and I laid down my sinful nature of judging others, Christ’s mercy began to flow through me. The Holy Spirit guided me to understand my mother better. 

 

晚上Alan给妈妈买了一个昂贵的生日蛋糕。回到家开门的那一刻，我们说：“妈妈生日快乐”。她回答“你等我死了再给我过生日吧。”

That evening, Alan bought an expensive birthday cake for my mother. When we got home and she opened the door, we said, “Happy Birthday, Mom.” She replied, “Celebrate my birthday when I’m dead.” 

面对苦毒的言论，我没有接受拒绝伤害，而是圣灵引导我去真的怜悯她，并且安慰她辛苦了一天做饭。

Faced with such bitter words, I didn’t respond with rejection or hurt. Instead, the Holy Spirit led me to truly show her mercy and comfort her, acknowledging how hard she had worked all day to cook for us.

她一开始气愤愤地不想一起吃晚饭，但心受了安慰之后，也坐到餐桌旁跟我们一起吃饭，没有了之前怒气和抱怨。

Initially, she angrily refused to join us for dinner, but after feeling comforted, she sat down at the table with us, her anger and complaints gone. 

感谢主，祂实在是信实的，”箴言 16:7 人所行的，若蒙耶和华喜悦，耶和华也使他的仇敌与他和好。

Thank the Lord—He truly is faithful!  “Proverbs 16:7 When the Lord takes pleasure in anyone’s way, he causes their enemies to make peace with them.

第6天，我们经历了一场奇妙的银行之旅。因为我没有银行卡，去建设银行开户时，当经理得知我是从新西兰回来的，告知不给办卡。

On the 6th day, we experienced a miraculous journey to the bank. Since I didn’t have a bank card, I went to open an account at China Construction Bank. However, when the manager found out I had returned from New Zealand, they informed me that they couldn’t open an account for me. 

祷告后，离银行关门最后30分钟，神告诉我去一家工商银行，Alan也鼓励我去试一试。靠着不断地祷告，圣灵治死我里面的焦虑和害怕。

After praying, and with only 30 minutes left before the banks closed, God told me to try the Industrial and Commercial Bank of China (ICBC). Alan also encouraged me to give it a try. Through continuous prayer, the Holy Spirit helped me overcome my anxiety and fear.

工商银行的员工试了3遍系统，都失败的情况下，两名员工还愿意加班帮我开户，把提前存在微信的钱取出来了。感谢赞美主！

At ICBC, although the system failed three times, two employees were willing to stay after hours to help me open an account and withdraw money we had stored in WeChat. Praise the Lord!

 

这是Jane牧师在我们走之前建议的，要我换汇2万人民币给父母。过去的年月里, 我都是从父母那里借钱读书和做生意，从来没有给过父母钱。

This was something Pastor Jane had suggested before we left—to exchange 20,000 RMB for my parents. In the past, I always borrowed money from my parents to study or start a business and had never given them money.

现在我是基督里新造的人了，不能再走老路，去跟父母要钱，借钱，而是要结出悔改的果子，与悔改的心相称。

But now, I am a new creation in Christ. I can’t walk the old path of asking or borrowing money from my parents anymore. Instead, I must bear the fruit of repentance, living a life that reflects my transformed heart. 

 

也感谢主，我自从在Alan公司做清洁，也攒下2万元，可以拿来感谢父母对我的付出了。

I thank the Lord that, since working as a cleaner at Alan’s company, I was able to save up 20,000 RMB to show gratitude to my parents for their sacrifices. 

我妈妈此时却准备给我和Alan 2000元，贴补我们的路费，

At the same time, my mother was preparing to give Alan and me 2,000 RMB to help with our travel expenses.

但是神知道我妈妈其实缺钱，虽然她自己不说。我们没有要她的钱。当我们拿出从银行取来的2万块钱给她时候，她哭了。

But God knew that my mother was actually short on money, even though she didn’t say it, so we didn’t take it.  When we took out the 20,000 RMB we had withdrawn from the bank and gave it to her, she cried.

她说，没想到会有这么一天，都是我管她和爸爸要钱，从来没想过我会给她钱。

She said she had never imagined this day would come—after all, I had always asked her and my father for money. She never thought I would give her money. 

 

我心里不断地感谢赞美主，感谢祂是如此真实，藉着祂仆人的口预先告诉我了。

In my heart, I kept thanking and praising the Lord, grateful for how real He is and for how He had already spoken to me in advance through His servant.

第7天，我们即将踏上去深圳教会的路程，我依旧遗憾没有给妈妈传福音，去见证耶稣的大爱和美好。

On the 7th day, we were about to leave for the home church in Shenzhen (MOLC), I still regretted not having shared the gospel with my mother or testified about Jesus’ great love and goodness.

前一天晚上，我跪在酒店跟神求，若是神给我一次机会，我愿意为祂去述说耶稣在我生命中的救赎工作，与我心里的惧怕争战到底。

The night before, I knelt in the hotel and prayed, asking God for one more opportunity. I told Him that if He gave me a chance, I would speak boldly about the saving work of Jesus in my life and fight against the fear in my heart. 

但是家和酒店离得太远了，交通不便，也不想让家人很早再赶过来送行。

However, the distance between my parents’ home and the hotel was too far, and the transportation was inconvenient. I also didn’t want my family to make the early trip to see us off.

 

结果一早上，我妈妈打电话说“我想骑自行车去送送你们，不用担心我的腿，我就骑过去，跟玩一样。“

But early in the morning, my mother called and said, “I want to ride my tricycle to see you off. Don’t worry about my legs. It’s just like taking a casual ride.”

我听到这里，心里很难受，因为她做完膝盖置换手术不久，实在不能这样劳累，但是拒绝她来，又伤了她的心，只能交脱给主，神掌权！

Hearing this, I felt very distressed. She had recently undergone knee replacement surgery and couldn’t afford to overexert herself like this. Yet, refusing her might hurt her feelings. I could only surrender this to the Lord and trust in His sovereignty. 

 

于是她骑了40多分钟的三轮车到酒店门口，我爸爸从上班的地方同时赶过来跟Alan拥抱，说着感谢的话，邀请Alan明年再来中国，我知道这时候，他们都已经真诚地接纳Alan了。

So, she rode a tricycle for over 40 minutes to the hotel entrance. At the same time, my father came from work to meet us and hugged Alan, expressing his gratitude and inviting Alan to come back to China next year. At that moment, I knew they had both sincerely accepted Alan. 

Alan虽然不会说中文，但是他发自内心的爱带出来好行为，爬长城时候没有只顾自己地噌噌去爬，而 一直走在最后照顾我爸爸，爱改变了爸爸的看法。

Although Alan doesn’t speak Chinese, his heartfelt love was reflected in his actions. When we climbed the Great Wall, Alan didn’t rush ahead on his own for pleasure but stayed at the back to take care of my father. Love changed my father’s perspective."

 

感谢主，“彼得前书 2:12 你们在外邦人中，应当品行端正，叫那些毁谤你们是作恶的，因看见你们的好行为，便在鉴察的日子归荣耀给　神。”

Thank the Lord! “1 Peter 2:12 says, Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.”

我求主给我最后的机会去传福音，但是妈妈却说，“你这次来都挺好的，过去的你实在太差劲了，现在好了是因为你信主了。”

I prayed to the Lord for one last opportunity to share the gospel. My mother, however, said, “You’ve been great this time. You were so bad in the past, but now you’ve changed for the better because you believe in the Lord.” 

 

原来我拼命想去为主做工，神却藉着妈妈的口夸奖了我，给了我莫大的安慰。这安慰，不从人来，从神而来！

It turns out that while I was striving so hard to work for the Lord, God, through my mother’s words, gave me great comfort and affirmation. This comfort didn’t come from people—it came from God!

在深圳教会与弟兄姊妹们祷告时，圣灵让我看见妈妈浑身是伤地在给我们做饭，我哭了，才明白过来，Jane发来的信息：“可怜的母亲.”

While praying with brothers and sisters at the church in Shenzhen, the Holy Spirit gave me a vision of my mother, covered in wounds, cooking for us. I cried. Only then did I truly understand the message Pastor Jane had sent me: “Poor Mum.“

是的，她浑身是伤，想去爱却爱不出来。她只能忍着痛用自己的双手去做可口的饭菜，去爱她的孩子们，这是她能给出来的最大的爱了，可是我呢？我连这样的爱都拿不出来。

Yes, she is covered in wounds, wanting to love but unable to express it. She can only endure the pain and use her hands to prepare delicious meals to show her love for her children. That is the greatest love she can give. But what about me? I can’t even offer such love.

 

当我为这篇见证稿焦急写不出来的时候，祷告求神帮助我，在祷告里神让我看见两幅画面：

When I was feeling anxious about being unable to complete this testimony, I prayed and asked God for help. In prayer, God showed me two images. 

 

一副是爸爸因为我的悖逆，我的离家出走，他焦虑地抽起了6年前已经戒掉的烟，一晚上坐在沙发上，愁苦叹气；

The first was of my father, who, six years ago, had quit smoking but picked it up again because of my rebellion and running away from home. He sat on the sofa all night, filled with worry and sighing in anguish. 

另一副是我曾因为带回家初恋男友，妈妈不满意他的农村出身和身高，她怕我走上跟她一样被人看不起的路，就反对我们在一起交往，我气得拿起桌上的水果刀向她刺过去。

The second was of my mother. Years ago, when I brought home my first boyfriend, she opposed our relationship because he came from a rural background and wasn’t tall. She was afraid I would end up like her, being looked down upon by others. In anger, I picked up a fruit knife from the table and lunged at her.

 

他们现在的愁苦和苦毒，何尝不是我的罪造成的？

The bitterness and sorrow my parents experience now—aren’t they the consequences of my sins?

自私自利的人永远想从别人身上得到自己想要的爱和接纳，却永不知足。我把父母能给的最后一点爱榨干殆尽，却不能接纳和爱他们。

A selfish person always wants to extract love and acceptance from others to satisfy themselves, yet they are never content. I drained the last ounce of love my parents could give, but I couldn’t accept or love them in return.

感谢神，“约翰福音 3:16 神爱世人，甚至将他的独生子赐给他们，叫一切信他的，不至灭亡，反得永生。“

Thank God, “John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

藉着主耶稣的宝血，赎买回了这样的我，祂为这样的我被钉十字架，祂为了这样的我牺牲了自己的命，使我没有继续沉沦下去，我不配。

Through the precious blood of Jesus, He redeemed someone like me. He was crucified for someone like me. He sacrificed His life for someone like me, so I would not continue to sink into destruction. I am unworthy. 

 

我过去虽苦，家庭的支离破碎都是因为这个老自己，顺服了自己的情欲和罪，而走在咒诅里，得了样样败坏的果子；

Although my past was filled with bitterness and the brokenness of my family, it was all because of my old self—following my sinful desires and sins, walking under family curses, and reaping the fruits of destruction. 

觉得自己因为成绩好在外面能给父母挣到一点面子，就要求家人必须满足回报我，最后被自己的苦毒抱怨，刺透了心，也伤透了父母的心。

I thought that because I achieved good grades and brought my parents some sense of pride outside the home, they were obligated to repay me by meeting my expectations. In the end, my own bitterness and complaints pierced my heart and deeply hurt my parents’ hearts as well.

我感谢神，直到昨天，神依旧藉着各样的事情把我为什么打了妈妈的根挖出来。因为姐夫和他妈妈都曾经出轨，他的羞耻感和拒绝伤害让他很要面子。

I thank God. Even as recently as yesterday, He continued to use various situations to uncover the root cause of why I hit my mother. It began with my brother-in-law’s and also his mum’s infidelity. His shame and fear of being hurt made him concern saving his face.

2017年我回国度假时，妈妈却无意间用难听的话刺激了他，于是他们发生了口角甚至互相扇了巴掌。家人为了报复姐夫，让我去打了姐夫的妈妈。

In 2017, while I was visiting home, my mother inadvertently provoked him with harsh words, leading to an argument between them that escalated into them slapping each other.  In retaliation, my family pressured me to hit my brother-in-law’s mother.

然后我又害怕又羞愧地逃回了新西兰，一夜之间头上长满白发。我从此以后再没有见过姐夫，家人也不在我面前提起他的名字。

Out of fear and shame, I fled back to New Zealand afterwards. Overnight, my hair turned white. Since then, I have never seen my brother-in-law again, and my family avoids mentioning his name in front of me.

5年后我来到这家教会，有一天神光照了我不饶恕，Jane带我做了饶恕和悔改祷告，可是那次祷告是在我初信时，现在神要我更深地认识我的罪：

Five years later, I joined this church. One day, God revealed my unforgiveness, and Pastor Jane led me in a prayer of forgiveness and repentance. However, that prayer was during the early days of my faith. Now, God wants me to deal with my sin more deeply: 

我跟姐夫妈妈无冤无仇，为什么偏偏是我去打了她？当有羞耻感的时候，就埋怨其他人，不想自己负责。

Why it was me to hit my brother-in-law’s mother, someone who had done me no harm? When I felt ashamed, I blamed others and avoided taking responsibility for my actions.

 

我不想当坏人，打了一个无冤无仇的人. 所以在长城上，当我想起这件事，就忍不住地打了妈妈来泄愤。

I didn’t want to see myself as the bad person who had hurt someone innocent. That’s why, on the Great Wall, as I recalled this incident, I lashed out at my mother to vent my frustration.

 

可是神却让这件事发生在我生命中. 祂的旨意如此美好——“你是罪人，最坏的，打人的，被人看不起的疯子，我也接纳了你，我也为你流了血。”

But God allowed this to happen in my life for His good purpose. His will is so wonderful:  "You are a sinner—the worst sinner, one who hits others, a despised mad woman—and yet I have accepted you. I shed My blood for you."

 

感谢主耶稣在十字架上的救恩，唯有耶稣的接纳罪人的爱是无条件的爱，当我祷告时，我接纳了自己，不再活在人前，不再惧怕别人会怎么说我了，因为神这样爱我，我也从心里能去接纳跟我一样的罪人。

Thank the Lord Jesus for His salvation on the cross. Only Jesus’ love, which accepts sinners, is unconditional. When I prayed, I was able to accept myself. I no longer live to please others or fear what they might say about me, because God loves me this much. And from my heart, I was able to accept sinners like myself. 

爱是耶稣受苦打开了饶恕的大门，爱是神藉着牧者日夜代求代祷，神的爱得以彰显了。我曾像孤儿一样地在世上行走，苟且活着，心里没有爱，也不知道什么是爱，

Love is Jesus’ suffering that opened the door to forgiveness. Love is God’s love revealed through the prayers and intercession of His servant day and night.  I once walked through this world like an orphan, barely surviving, with no love in my heart and no understanding of what love truly was.

可是在这里，我遇见了神，因着不断寻求他，悔改自己的罪，经历了耶稣的医治，我得到了真正的接纳和爱，苦就变成了甜。

But here, I encountered God. Through continually seeking Him, repenting of my sins, and experiencing Jesus’ healing, I have received the true acceptance and love. Bitterness has turned into sweetness. 

 

我愿意照这样去行道，更深地认识自己的罪性，甘心接受神的熬炼，也愿意凭借神的恩典去接纳和爱那些即将在复兴出现的与我一样被神呼召的人。一切荣耀称赞归于天上的父神。

I am willing to live out the Word in this way: to deepen my understanding of my sinful nature, to willingly accept God’s refining, and to rely on His grace to accept and love those who, like me, will be called by God during the coming revival.  All glory and praise be to our Heavenly Father!